The trip of a lifetime.....

I want to share with you an adventure I took to Missouri with three of my four children to visit my father. A little while ago my father had experienced a few strokes. I decided NOW was the best time to take the kids to visit and introduce him to Cam. Our adventure started with a long drive (24 hours). We were exhausted but grateful to be there.

I had discovered over the course of the last few weeks that my father had changed. His memory was lacking. He had lost a lot of weight and he all of a sudden looked worn and old to me. I had always known my father to be a strong, handsome and a wise man. I always thought of him as a "know everything about anything" kind of guy. Suddenly, with the course of illness, age and dementia that had all changed for me and for him. I was somewhat taken aback by the change. Non the less, it did pose some bitter sweet moments between us. I recall a phone conversation I had with my father about Cam. My father told me he had been learning about "the syndrome". He mentioned that he wanted to be prepared for Cam and know what to expect. I thought this to be quite honorable that he was open to being informed and not being stuck in preconditioned notions that society had advocated. The conversation went somewhat like this:

DAD: Honey, your cousin Joanne has been teaching me about "the syndrome"

ME: Good Dad. There is a lot to learn.

DAD: Yea, ya know, after learning about it I think my problem is that I have "the syndrome"

ME: (giggling under my breath)...Well Dad, people are generally born with Down Syndrome. It is genetic not contagious.

DAD: Well I think I have it.

ME: Well then you and Cam shall get along favorably then.

This was a bitter sweet moment for me. While I found some vague cute humor in his concern that he may have contracted Down Syndrome, I was saddened that my very intelligent father was reduced to this vague way of thinking. I knew at some point in his life he knew better, and was saddened that he was reduced to the intellect of a child.

My father has lived a very long life. One full of love, children and lots of great memories. However, he is no stranger to loss, disappointment and heartache. He has had many opportunities in life to stretch and grow. He has never quite been the same after my mother passed 13 years ago....then followed by a brother passing 2 years later. Those events are actual events I recognized that changed him. Not necessarily for the better or worse, just changed him, as it did all of us.

Cam and Dad meet for the first time and it is as if they have been long lost friends searching the earth for each other. My father says to Cam, "You are like a bag of sugar with a little bit of spice". I got emotional to think that such love radiated from my father to my son. Such unconditional love that they accepted each other. My father accepted Cam for his disabilities and Cam accepted my father for his. Love permeated the room every moment they were together. I had been told that you can see people literally transform when they hold a baby with a disability like Cam's. I have seen it numerous times. I suppose in Cam's way he is here to shift the world, one family member at a time....I am so glad to be witness to it and marvel in his ability to do so.

We had a fabulous visit with my family. My father held Cam every chance he had. He rocked him and loved him. I could not have asked for anything more that pure love and that is what Cam got. I little bit of heaven in a home in Missouri....

Committed to being the change I want to see in the world....through the lives of my children. AMEN!

My wish For You....

Well, in just two weeks my oldest son, Weston will be graduating from high school. It has been a long road for Weston and a challenge to say the least. At 14 he was hit by a car and it shifted his life FOREVER. Weston was not expected to live let alone graduate on time. I am so proud of him and so glad to say that he is amazing and that he will not only graduate on time but we all will be celebrating his hard work and tenacity. If you ever get a chance to meet Wes you will find that they don't come any more genuine than Wes. I dare to say they don't make them as authentic as he is. He is open, honest and true to who he is. He has taught me so much about life, love and knowing and following your heart. I am so glad that he not only chose to stay in this life with me but was given the opportunity. You see, Wes tells a story of a "near death experience" in which he tells of how he walked with God and talked with God in Paradise. He tells of how he was told it was his time to leave this frail existence and how he petitioned to be able to return and be an influence in the lives of his parents and family. How he petitioned for the well being of his mother and father and how they would surely break if he was taken from us. I am so glad that I have children who use their voice, not only in life but in death.

Wes.......you are my unsung hero. My very breath of this earth. Thanks for the opportunity to be your mother and to love you unconditionally. I am a better person because the Lord not only trusted me with you once but twice. Amen my son, to a life actually chosen by you to fulfill your creation and destiny. You are AMAZING!

Cam is BORN!

On October 21, my sweet little angel from heaven was born. It happened quickly and with great intensity. He was delivered in about an hour from start to finish. His father was there as well as his Grandma Amy. I remember when he was fully delivered and teh doctor put him on my abdomen the first thing I did was grab his hands and look for the Simean Crease that is so classic for children with Down Syndrome. Sure enough, he was all the genetic counselor told me he would be. A beautiful blonde baby boy with Down Syndrome. I could not have asked for anything better. He was perfect. He was sweet and he was pure and suddenly all the reasons and all the fears were gone. He eats like a baby, sleeps like a baby and even poops like a baby. I realized that he is a baby first before he is a baby with Downs Syndrome.

My husband......not so much. He sat on the couch in the delivery room numb to what had just happened. Grandma Amy took my beautiful baby boy Cam in her arms and held him. She loved him and then handed him to his father. Jeff protested a firm "no" he was good. Amy, being the mother she is, told him he was going to sit and hold his son. The things mother's make you do. I had heard before Cam was born that something transforms in a person when they hold a baby with Down Syndrome. I would not have believed it if I did not see it for myself. I watched as Jeff was uncertain of how to react, go from hard and unmoving to melting all over that boy. His face softened and he began to bond. He held him and rocked him and held him and rocked him until the nurses had to rip Cam from his arms. Jeff kissed me and said he loved me. Good news.

The nurses took Cam and began to get him settled. I was taken to my room to recover and Cam was headed to the newborn ICU unit. His adventure was not over yet.

Cam had many complications coming into this world. He struggled to get stable and to eat. He was on a feeding tube and remained in the hospital for 14 days. I remember leaving the hospital without him the first night I went home and I cried. I wanted to take my baby home.

Cam finally did come home. He came home on oxygen and remained on oxygen until he was about 2 1/2 months old. I have been blessed as Cam has, that he escaped any physical complications that typically comes with Down Syndrome. His heart was perfect and we were glad.

Now Cam is 6 months old and the love of our family. We so enjoy every minute with him. I believe every family should have the experience of a child with Down Syndrome. My kids are better people because of it. They are more tolerant, loving, giving and willing to serve. A lot less judgmental and a whole lot of patient.

So love my angel......so love my Cam.

Welcome to an angel

Where does one begin to tell of an adventure in the making?

My name is Lynn Markos and this is the blog of my adventures and life learning moments. It has been a life of 44 years wrapped in tender mercies and blessings from those unseen, seen and mostly felt.

I will begin with my recent adventure.

February of 2009 I discovered I was going to have a baby. Being 44, unmarried and in the middle of a nasty divorce I was in a state of what to do next. With much soul searching and commitment I geared up to tell my boyfriend the adventure we were about to begin. I had three children from a previous marriage and he had two. I never thought as a teenager that I would find myself in a position of an unwed mother at 16 let alone at 44. Life sure does show up in strange ways.

I venture to guess my news was somewhat of a shock to my boyfriend. Let's just say he was not "thrilled" with the new challenge before us. I was committed, however, to choose in to bringing forth life. He...on the other hand....not so much. Bottom line is that he got to choose in or out and eventually he chose in.

Now being pregnant at 44 is much different than being pregnant in my 20's. My age automatically put me in a category of many tests and proving grounds of the health of my baby. I was not worried, however, I was annoyed to think that I could not possibly have a healthy child. I exercised, ate fairly well, didn't drink, didn't smoke and certainly had no illnesses or diseases. Non the less the testing began. Blood tests, Ultrasounds you name it. I went through a variety of jabs and stabs to rule out any complications. Imagine my surprise when the doctor told me I had to go for an amnio cause my blood worked showed a 1 in 45 chance that I would have a baby with an issue. Once again, I was not worried. I would be fine. I am healthy.

The day of the amnio I arrived at the hospital. I checked in and was greeted by a wonderful team of medical staff. I was led to a room and asked to undress and be prepared for the the doctor to come in and perform the amnio. I followed the instructions and waited patiently, and I must admit, nervously for the adventure to begin. The ultra sound technitian came in and explained the process and was followed by the genetic counselor. They talked of things like Trisomy 18, Trisomy 21 and other possible birth complications. My thoughts and tears began to flow. I could not believe I was hearing what "could" be. I became scared in an instant. Not of the complication but of what a child with a disability would have to face in this life. How mean kids can be. How difficult the challenges would be. Can I do it? Who would assist? Would the baby survive?

The doctor entered and began the procedure. With a swift throw of the needle it was a direct shot into the abdomen. I would be lying if I told you it was painless. I did all I could to keep from slapping the doctor. I mentioned something about being sure to get enough cause no way in "Helena" was I letting that happen again.

The procedure was over. I was given brief instructions to go home and take it easy. I would receive a call in 48 hours with a preliminary result followed up in 10 days with conclusive findings.

48 hours later the phone call came. I could tell by the tone of the genetic counselors voice that something was not right. She confirmed that I in fact, was having a baby boy with Downs Syndrome. It took about 15 seconds to register then my heart began to ache. How could this possibly be? What have I done to bring this forth in my life? Why was I being punished? And all the other selfish ideas that flooded my mind of how "terrible" this was going to be. I called my daughter who was 19 and away at school. That is when everything came into view for me. I announced with much emotion and tears that she was going to have a brother with Down Syndrome. Now at this point I do not know whether to commend myself for raising such a great 19 year old or kick myself for not seeing things for what they are. Her comment to me was "Oh Mom, what is the problem? We will love him anyway". Thank heaven for smart kids and those who are not afraid to teach their parents. She was exactly right. I would love him no more or no less than my other children. No matter the outcome he was mine.

The moment of truth came that evening when my boyfriend came home (who was now my husband of just a month). I told him of the discovery. Once again I found myself in a position to let him choose in or out. His only possibility was not my option or my desire. He felt that I was taking his choice away by not honoring his wishes to terminate the pregnancy. Fear filled his soul that day and governed his rational. I replied that I just get to choose life. I do not get to choose what it looks like. It took a long time for the healing to happen. He eventually chose in but not without great turmoil and soul searching for himself. It was a rough 9 months.